So......

I'm not really sure how to do this so I'm just going to start typing and see where it takes me.

I got a call from my sister yesterday inquiring about my how I was doing.  We haven't talked in a bit but that's not surprising.  We connect and I feel connected to her constantly so we don't have to talk everyday or even every week or month sometimes.  It's okay.  Anyway, she asked how I was and I'm fine so I said so.  I got some stuff - more on that later, much later.  I guess I asked her how she was doing and the kids and hubby and got the low down on all of them. She tells me she doesn't drink alcohol anymore.  Silence.  I was taken aback.  Didn't know what the right thing to say was. Didn't want to sound shocked, but I guess I did, mostly because she asked me if I was shocked and I said, "uh, no, well maybe a little yes."  Then I said I was jealous.  Jealous!  What a stupid thing to say to someone you dearly love and they tell you about a life-changing decision they have made about them and for them and you say your jealous.  Stupe.  Truth is - I am jealous.  Mostly because she did it.  She did it with all the stuff she has in her life.  She did it.  SHE DID IT.  Yay.  Really, yay.  I am so happy for her and proud and panicked and afraid and I so want to be like her and say, "I'm done."  I'm done thinking about stopping every day.  Every freaking day.  I think about alcohol all the time.  I am having a panic attack right at this moment because I have done nothing but think about it since she told me.  I can't stop.  It's in every waking moment.  I'm really petrified that I can not stop.  That I am not done.  That I will never be done.  As tears stream down my face and my heart tries to beat out of my chest and my lungs scream for air because I can't breath normally through this panic I feel guilty because my first reaction to my sister telling me she made a choice to just stop I feel jealous.  Don't get me wrong.  I am truly happy for her and proud of her and I want to talk to her about it but I'm clearly not emotionally equipped at the moment to talk about.  Hence, this post that is probably a bunch of blah, blah, blah.  

Huh, just took a breath and realized that the heart has slowed a little.  Maybe getting this shit out of the head instead of stuffing it down is not such a bad thing.  Maybe I'll try some more later.  

I'm reading a book my sister loaned me.  It's as if this woman is inside my head, she knows me, she's writing everything (EVERY FUCKING THING) I think about every damn day.  I wake in the morning and say I'm not going to drink today.  And I feel like that till about lunchtime then my inner alcohol addict friend starts to rationalize and claw her way to the front of my brain and starts to say, "ah, what's the big deal."  By the time I leave work I have completely forgotten about the inner voice of the morning saying I'm not going to drink today and I stop at the liquor store and by my wine.  I go home and I start cooking, mindlessly pour my wine and make dinner.  And then I pour another, and another, and another, and another and sometimes I don't really know how many I pour.  True story.  I don't know.  I try to count back and usually just decide that's not important and stop counting.  I justify my intake by saying well I put ice and seltzer in my wine glass and only half of it is wine.  Justify is a theme here.  I'm afraid.  I'm panicked.  I do want to stop.  I want to say I have stopped, I'm done.  I don't want to be jealous of my sister because she is doing it.  I can't stop thinking about it.  

That's enough for today.  See you tomorrow crazy girl or maybe later, we'll see.