Racing with myself

Racing with myself.....

I'm the only one in the race. Not much of race really. I always seemed to edge myself out at the last minute. Edge myself over the edge is more like it. I'm running towards the finish line and I look around to the left then right, I turn around and look behind and then again in front to see where my competitors are and it's just me. Running, running, racing only me. I hit that finish line and fall over the edge. What is wrong with me? I start out everyday with the same mantra. I'm not going to drink today. I'm just not going to drink today. I usually lose that inner dialogue. No I always lose that inner dialogue with myself.

I have been drinking since I can remember. Oh, there have been times when I haven't drank, but they are few and far between. I remember my first real experience with alcohol like it was yesterday. I can't remember yesterday but I remember that day. I was probably about 14 or 15, had a friend over for a sleepover and we got a bottle of gin from my parents dry sink (it was their liquor cabinet) and proceeded to drink until I vomited. Sounds really fun, doesn't it? I'm thinking it probably wasn't that fun the next morning. I'm not sure my folks ever knew about that incident.

I pretty much have been drinking alcohol since that first time. I'm working on trying to figure out why but it doesn't really matter. What matters is I drink alcohol like it's my job. I'm always in a race with alcohol. I race to start by thinking and planning about it pretty much all day then I race home to start the race and then I race myself - like full out sprint to the finish line - race myself. I'm not feeling like much of a winner though. Most times I feel like the biggest loser. That sucks on so many levels. I so want to wake up one morning and not think, plan, race myself anymore.