Every morning...

Every morning...

So...I wake up every morning and tell myself I'm not going to drink today.  Every morning for pretty much as long as I can remember. It's a boring conversation with myself and it's been a lie. I lie to myself pretty darn good, I'm a pro at it.

I don't need to make a big declaration to people. I need to make a declaration to myself. I need to look in the mirror and tell that person looking back that I don't drink alcohol anymore. Not - I'm not going to drink alcohol today. I don't drink alcohol anymore.

I didn't drink alcohol yesterday. I was really okay with it. I substituted. It was fine. My husband and I went to lunch with friends. I usually automatically order a beer and then a huge meal. Yesterday I ordered a diet coke to start with then my next drink order was club soda and lime. I did, however, still order a huge meal and it was great. It didn't bother me one bit that I didn't have a beer. I did get a comment from my friend but it didn't really bother me and I when he said, "taking it easy today, Sue?" I just said "yeah" and that was it. No earth shattering conversation about the why's or what for's. Nothing really. No conversation about it all. It wasn't a thing. It's only a thing for me. In my crazy brain where nobody else goes anyway. So, here's a novel idea, tell that crazy brain to shut the F up and move on. I'm trying. She's really freaking loud sometimes and I have to actually yell at her to "shut the F up" (I don't say "F").

I am a newbie in this process. I feel very vulnerable and very afraid. Afraid to fail, afraid to tell people (I don't know why they don't care if I don't drink alcohol anymore), afraid that the crazy brain will get louder and louder and I won't be able to shut her up. She's not nice. She's trying to kill me by pouring alcohol down my throat every damn day like it's her job. She's needs a new career.