So this is the first Thanksgiving and Christmas season without my beloved alcohol. I haven't really started missing my long lost friend just yet but I have had some pre-season episodes. Oktoberfest was a little hard. I really wanted a giant cold beer when I visited the local festival. I even said to my daughter who was standing in line to get said giant cold beer "that you wouldn't really mind if I got one too?" She looked at me like I was a little crazy and said "I think you should wait." So I waited. I got through that urge and had a nice cold water instead. Yum.
Red wine has been calling to me too but I seemed to be able to not hear that siren call as strongly so I'm happy about that. Thanksgiving is in two days. I'm usually half a bottle in by noon because you know all that prepping requires a nice glass of red sitting close to me whilst chopping, etc. I'll have my trusty seltzer water with a splash of tart cherry and a lovely garnish of lime in my pretty tall wine glass close by instead.
Heading to my sister's the day after with my daughter to regroup, talk shit and just commiserate with each other about how we are doing with not drinking alcohol and you know all the other life stuff that tries to make us drink alcohol. I cannot wait.
I talked to my doctor last week at a routine check up. I have a lung thing and need to see a pulmonologist. I have lost about 15 pounds since July and he noticed. He mentioned it because apparently weighing less has benefits in the breathing area. He asked what I was doing and I said I don't drink alcohol anymore. He indicated that there were some therapeutic benefits to a nice glass of red wine and I said that really one nice glass of red wine was not an option for me. I prefer the bottle. Anyway, he said so how much were you drinking. And I said, sheepishly, "you know, a lot." He pushed for more information as to what "a lot" meant to me. And I said, "you know, A LOT." Then he turned his chair and looked me in the eyes and said what is A LOT. A LOT is a like a 750 ml bottle of Beaujolais nouveau that I would open to "start" cooking and then absentmindedly pour mouthfuls into my glass until there was only an inch or so left in the bottle at the end of the evening and who leaves an inch of wine in the bottle. I'm not a quitter, not me, I don't leave anything left undone (well I actually do, just not wine), it wouldn't be fair to the poor bottle so I polish it off before heading sloppily to bed. He said it was probably a good idea I don't drink alcohol anymore and then said he was proud of me. Win win.
Anyway, Christmas is around the corner and I'm looking forward to it. We'll see.
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Monday, July 13, 2015
Every morning...
Every morning...
So...I wake up every morning and tell myself I'm not going to drink today. Every morning for pretty much as long as I can remember. It's a boring conversation with myself and it's been a lie. I lie to myself pretty darn good, I'm a pro at it.
I don't need to make a big declaration to people. I need to make a declaration to myself. I need to look in the mirror and tell that person looking back that I don't drink alcohol anymore. Not - I'm not going to drink alcohol today. I don't drink alcohol anymore.
I didn't drink alcohol yesterday. I was really okay with it. I substituted. It was fine. My husband and I went to lunch with friends. I usually automatically order a beer and then a huge meal. Yesterday I ordered a diet coke to start with then my next drink order was club soda and lime. I did, however, still order a huge meal and it was great. It didn't bother me one bit that I didn't have a beer. I did get a comment from my friend but it didn't really bother me and I when he said, "taking it easy today, Sue?" I just said "yeah" and that was it. No earth shattering conversation about the why's or what for's. Nothing really. No conversation about it all. It wasn't a thing. It's only a thing for me. In my crazy brain where nobody else goes anyway. So, here's a novel idea, tell that crazy brain to shut the F up and move on. I'm trying. She's really freaking loud sometimes and I have to actually yell at her to "shut the F up" (I don't say "F").
I am a newbie in this process. I feel very vulnerable and very afraid. Afraid to fail, afraid to tell people (I don't know why they don't care if I don't drink alcohol anymore), afraid that the crazy brain will get louder and louder and I won't be able to shut her up. She's not nice. She's trying to kill me by pouring alcohol down my throat every damn day like it's her job. She's needs a new career.
So...I wake up every morning and tell myself I'm not going to drink today. Every morning for pretty much as long as I can remember. It's a boring conversation with myself and it's been a lie. I lie to myself pretty darn good, I'm a pro at it.
I don't need to make a big declaration to people. I need to make a declaration to myself. I need to look in the mirror and tell that person looking back that I don't drink alcohol anymore. Not - I'm not going to drink alcohol today. I don't drink alcohol anymore.
I didn't drink alcohol yesterday. I was really okay with it. I substituted. It was fine. My husband and I went to lunch with friends. I usually automatically order a beer and then a huge meal. Yesterday I ordered a diet coke to start with then my next drink order was club soda and lime. I did, however, still order a huge meal and it was great. It didn't bother me one bit that I didn't have a beer. I did get a comment from my friend but it didn't really bother me and I when he said, "taking it easy today, Sue?" I just said "yeah" and that was it. No earth shattering conversation about the why's or what for's. Nothing really. No conversation about it all. It wasn't a thing. It's only a thing for me. In my crazy brain where nobody else goes anyway. So, here's a novel idea, tell that crazy brain to shut the F up and move on. I'm trying. She's really freaking loud sometimes and I have to actually yell at her to "shut the F up" (I don't say "F").
I am a newbie in this process. I feel very vulnerable and very afraid. Afraid to fail, afraid to tell people (I don't know why they don't care if I don't drink alcohol anymore), afraid that the crazy brain will get louder and louder and I won't be able to shut her up. She's not nice. She's trying to kill me by pouring alcohol down my throat every damn day like it's her job. She's needs a new career.
I'm not Stoic, I'm a Stuffer!
I'm not Stoic, I'm a Stuffer!
There are people in my life that think I'm tough, I can handle anything and I usually am and do, but it's a big fat lie. I am not tough and I basically don't really handle or deal with things I just get through them and then stuff it down. Stuff it down to a bad place until it likes to rear it's ugly head in some sort of unhealthy auto-immune system breakdown. That's awesome.
There are people in my life that think I'm tough, I can handle anything and I usually am and do, but it's a big fat lie. I am not tough and I basically don't really handle or deal with things I just get through them and then stuff it down. Stuff it down to a bad place until it likes to rear it's ugly head in some sort of unhealthy auto-immune system breakdown. That's awesome.
Racing with myself
Racing with myself.....
I'm the only one in the race. Not much of race really. I always seemed to edge myself out at the last minute. Edge myself over the edge is more like it. I'm running towards the finish line and I look around to the left then right, I turn around and look behind and then again in front to see where my competitors are and it's just me. Running, running, racing only me. I hit that finish line and fall over the edge. What is wrong with me? I start out everyday with the same mantra. I'm not going to drink today. I'm just not going to drink today. I usually lose that inner dialogue. No I always lose that inner dialogue with myself.
I have been drinking since I can remember. Oh, there have been times when I haven't drank, but they are few and far between. I remember my first real experience with alcohol like it was yesterday. I can't remember yesterday but I remember that day. I was probably about 14 or 15, had a friend over for a sleepover and we got a bottle of gin from my parents dry sink (it was their liquor cabinet) and proceeded to drink until I vomited. Sounds really fun, doesn't it? I'm thinking it probably wasn't that fun the next morning. I'm not sure my folks ever knew about that incident.
I pretty much have been drinking alcohol since that first time. I'm working on trying to figure out why but it doesn't really matter. What matters is I drink alcohol like it's my job. I'm always in a race with alcohol. I race to start by thinking and planning about it pretty much all day then I race home to start the race and then I race myself - like full out sprint to the finish line - race myself. I'm not feeling like much of a winner though. Most times I feel like the biggest loser. That sucks on so many levels. I so want to wake up one morning and not think, plan, race myself anymore.
I'm the only one in the race. Not much of race really. I always seemed to edge myself out at the last minute. Edge myself over the edge is more like it. I'm running towards the finish line and I look around to the left then right, I turn around and look behind and then again in front to see where my competitors are and it's just me. Running, running, racing only me. I hit that finish line and fall over the edge. What is wrong with me? I start out everyday with the same mantra. I'm not going to drink today. I'm just not going to drink today. I usually lose that inner dialogue. No I always lose that inner dialogue with myself.
I have been drinking since I can remember. Oh, there have been times when I haven't drank, but they are few and far between. I remember my first real experience with alcohol like it was yesterday. I can't remember yesterday but I remember that day. I was probably about 14 or 15, had a friend over for a sleepover and we got a bottle of gin from my parents dry sink (it was their liquor cabinet) and proceeded to drink until I vomited. Sounds really fun, doesn't it? I'm thinking it probably wasn't that fun the next morning. I'm not sure my folks ever knew about that incident.
I pretty much have been drinking alcohol since that first time. I'm working on trying to figure out why but it doesn't really matter. What matters is I drink alcohol like it's my job. I'm always in a race with alcohol. I race to start by thinking and planning about it pretty much all day then I race home to start the race and then I race myself - like full out sprint to the finish line - race myself. I'm not feeling like much of a winner though. Most times I feel like the biggest loser. That sucks on so many levels. I so want to wake up one morning and not think, plan, race myself anymore.
Saturday, July 11, 2015
So......
I'm not really sure how to do this so I'm just going to start typing and see where it takes me.
I got a call from my sister yesterday inquiring about my how I was doing. We haven't talked in a bit but that's not surprising. We connect and I feel connected to her constantly so we don't have to talk everyday or even every week or month sometimes. It's okay. Anyway, she asked how I was and I'm fine so I said so. I got some stuff - more on that later, much later. I guess I asked her how she was doing and the kids and hubby and got the low down on all of them. She tells me she doesn't drink alcohol anymore. Silence. I was taken aback. Didn't know what the right thing to say was. Didn't want to sound shocked, but I guess I did, mostly because she asked me if I was shocked and I said, "uh, no, well maybe a little yes." Then I said I was jealous. Jealous! What a stupid thing to say to someone you dearly love and they tell you about a life-changing decision they have made about them and for them and you say your jealous. Stupe. Truth is - I am jealous. Mostly because she did it. She did it with all the stuff she has in her life. She did it. SHE DID IT. Yay. Really, yay. I am so happy for her and proud and panicked and afraid and I so want to be like her and say, "I'm done." I'm done thinking about stopping every day. Every freaking day. I think about alcohol all the time. I am having a panic attack right at this moment because I have done nothing but think about it since she told me. I can't stop. It's in every waking moment. I'm really petrified that I can not stop. That I am not done. That I will never be done. As tears stream down my face and my heart tries to beat out of my chest and my lungs scream for air because I can't breath normally through this panic I feel guilty because my first reaction to my sister telling me she made a choice to just stop I feel jealous. Don't get me wrong. I am truly happy for her and proud of her and I want to talk to her about it but I'm clearly not emotionally equipped at the moment to talk about. Hence, this post that is probably a bunch of blah, blah, blah.
Huh, just took a breath and realized that the heart has slowed a little. Maybe getting this shit out of the head instead of stuffing it down is not such a bad thing. Maybe I'll try some more later.
I'm reading a book my sister loaned me. It's as if this woman is inside my head, she knows me, she's writing everything (EVERY FUCKING THING) I think about every damn day. I wake in the morning and say I'm not going to drink today. And I feel like that till about lunchtime then my inner alcohol addict friend starts to rationalize and claw her way to the front of my brain and starts to say, "ah, what's the big deal." By the time I leave work I have completely forgotten about the inner voice of the morning saying I'm not going to drink today and I stop at the liquor store and by my wine. I go home and I start cooking, mindlessly pour my wine and make dinner. And then I pour another, and another, and another, and another and sometimes I don't really know how many I pour. True story. I don't know. I try to count back and usually just decide that's not important and stop counting. I justify my intake by saying well I put ice and seltzer in my wine glass and only half of it is wine. Justify is a theme here. I'm afraid. I'm panicked. I do want to stop. I want to say I have stopped, I'm done. I don't want to be jealous of my sister because she is doing it. I can't stop thinking about it.
That's enough for today. See you tomorrow crazy girl or maybe later, we'll see.
I'm not really sure how to do this so I'm just going to start typing and see where it takes me.
I got a call from my sister yesterday inquiring about my how I was doing. We haven't talked in a bit but that's not surprising. We connect and I feel connected to her constantly so we don't have to talk everyday or even every week or month sometimes. It's okay. Anyway, she asked how I was and I'm fine so I said so. I got some stuff - more on that later, much later. I guess I asked her how she was doing and the kids and hubby and got the low down on all of them. She tells me she doesn't drink alcohol anymore. Silence. I was taken aback. Didn't know what the right thing to say was. Didn't want to sound shocked, but I guess I did, mostly because she asked me if I was shocked and I said, "uh, no, well maybe a little yes." Then I said I was jealous. Jealous! What a stupid thing to say to someone you dearly love and they tell you about a life-changing decision they have made about them and for them and you say your jealous. Stupe. Truth is - I am jealous. Mostly because she did it. She did it with all the stuff she has in her life. She did it. SHE DID IT. Yay. Really, yay. I am so happy for her and proud and panicked and afraid and I so want to be like her and say, "I'm done." I'm done thinking about stopping every day. Every freaking day. I think about alcohol all the time. I am having a panic attack right at this moment because I have done nothing but think about it since she told me. I can't stop. It's in every waking moment. I'm really petrified that I can not stop. That I am not done. That I will never be done. As tears stream down my face and my heart tries to beat out of my chest and my lungs scream for air because I can't breath normally through this panic I feel guilty because my first reaction to my sister telling me she made a choice to just stop I feel jealous. Don't get me wrong. I am truly happy for her and proud of her and I want to talk to her about it but I'm clearly not emotionally equipped at the moment to talk about. Hence, this post that is probably a bunch of blah, blah, blah.
Huh, just took a breath and realized that the heart has slowed a little. Maybe getting this shit out of the head instead of stuffing it down is not such a bad thing. Maybe I'll try some more later.
I'm reading a book my sister loaned me. It's as if this woman is inside my head, she knows me, she's writing everything (EVERY FUCKING THING) I think about every damn day. I wake in the morning and say I'm not going to drink today. And I feel like that till about lunchtime then my inner alcohol addict friend starts to rationalize and claw her way to the front of my brain and starts to say, "ah, what's the big deal." By the time I leave work I have completely forgotten about the inner voice of the morning saying I'm not going to drink today and I stop at the liquor store and by my wine. I go home and I start cooking, mindlessly pour my wine and make dinner. And then I pour another, and another, and another, and another and sometimes I don't really know how many I pour. True story. I don't know. I try to count back and usually just decide that's not important and stop counting. I justify my intake by saying well I put ice and seltzer in my wine glass and only half of it is wine. Justify is a theme here. I'm afraid. I'm panicked. I do want to stop. I want to say I have stopped, I'm done. I don't want to be jealous of my sister because she is doing it. I can't stop thinking about it.
That's enough for today. See you tomorrow crazy girl or maybe later, we'll see.
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